written: July 22nd, 2023.
The monitor of my computer flashed a series of reds, browns, viscious yellows and veinous purples. Through jagged camera angles, gurgled screams and slapping bare flesh, I stared on transfixed, slowly becoming more and more excited. Until it ended 16 seconds later.
"No... c'mon, CMONNNNN"
I grudged, and sighed. Open fly and unfulfilled, as the 'replay?' button shined at me in the darkness of my room. That was the problem, I figured. They made these death scenes way too short for my liking. Its honestly the biggest problem with them. Like, If I could watch someone slowly get beheaded for a minute or so, I wouldn't have to rush myself so much. But no, half a minute here, five or six second there, thats all I get.
That's alright. I'm adaptable. And like the dozens of times before, I was dead set on making it work. Thats what makes it feel so good, anyway.
Left hand on my crotch, and right hand on my mouse, I started the clip up again.
The parasitic, reanimated necrotic skull, dripping wet with flesh and detached skin, lept up onto the main character's neck. It was using a bundle of tendrils at its base, each three to four feet long to suffocate the protagonist, who was dawned head to toe in a ribbed metal suit. All the while, the skull was making reeling and squelching noises as it relentlessly tried to seperate the head from the neck, in tandem with the protagonist's screams of desperation to get it off. I felt a familiar heat in my chest, and a flush in my cheeks.
I lifted my hand from my mouse, and onto my right breast. This was going to be it.
The heat in my chest reached a firey temperature, as my left hand did its work on my lowers. I watched the character squirm and flail in desperation to tear away the reanimated flesh ropes from his neck. He would never succeed, though. This was a death scene, afterall.
Finally, the struggle was no more. In a swift motion the skull tore the head off of the body. A flatline echoed from my speakers.
"Gah.... ff-fuck.." A moan escaped my lips. My hips went erratic, my entire body writhing as I sped up. My breathing ragged and hampered. Faster. Faster. The skull slid its tendrils down the exposed neck, the deceased body took up new life, as blood spilled from the open crevace. The right leg twitching uncontrollably. Puppeteering its new body, the skull turned the body around to face the camera, watery groans and exposed flesh openi-
Throwing myself back in my chair, breast aflame, chest on fire, my crotch throbbing, my hand covered in thin strands of fluid. It was done. I panted deeply, triumphantly, listening to the post-death groans as the skull took in its new home in the decapitated corpse. A smile crept up on my face, as I watched the now commandeered body clumsily responding to its new master, wandering off screen as the main menu options appeared.
I sat there, panting. My chest began to cool with the sweat now covering my body. Incredible. Incredible...
Standing up, I got the lights, and began to clean myself. The 'replay?' button shined through on my monitor. I didn't need it, this time.
This was a really special video, for me. The first time I ever saw it, I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. That was also the first time I became sexually aroused in my life. I would replay it constantly, watching this brutal decapitation go down, not quite understanding what I was feeling, or what was going on. Only knowing that I liked it a lot more than just *liking* it. There was also another death scene involving a fleshy winged creature made of recycled body parts, that would plunge a proboscis into the character's head while craddling him in its wings, forcefully injecting infecteous bile into his skull. That one was VERY special to me, as well. But I only had time for one clip, tonight. I had already finished myself off to that one dozens of times before. Variation is good for you.
Going to the sink to wet some towels, I returned and started to set everything shipshape. You know, they made a remake of this game last year. It added a lot more flowing blood and shiny exposed flesh, but the original one had MUCH better tearing and groaning sounds in the death scenes. And that was a lot more appealing to me. I could put up with the subpar graphics as long as I had that. Plus, the winged infectinator was a lot more attractive in the original. I don't know why, it just was.
I went back to my computer, and began killing time, just browsing the internet. But even with all the videos and scrolling, I still couldn't get my mind off of the flesh. I clicked around until I got onto pubmed, and started looking through the photo studies of suicides and dismemberments.
Vivisected bicep. Cracked open skull.
You know, I really don't get why people make such a big deal of this. As some sort of moral failing, or problem that needs to be fixed.
Autopsied grey matter.
Once you get to this point, as a corpse. Well, you're basically just a sex aid.
Eviscerated eyeball.
Like any number of sex aids people buy every year. Made of plastic, or whatever. But this one is made of meat.
Face split in two.
In a lot of ways, its a lot more natural than using something fake. I mean, do you know just how beautiful the human body is, when its splayed open like that?
Shattered theighbone stabbing through skin.
...
Mm. Theres not a lot of love with photos like this. Its very analytical. I flipped through danbooru, then pixiv, then danbooru again for 10 or 15 minutes, looking through the guro tags. A lot of this is just too fetishistic, its missing the point entirely. But in the midst there are usually a few nice paintings. Eventually, I felt my eyes tire. I got an appointment in the morning, I ought to not miss this one, too.
...
Gosh, I wanna do it with a real one. So badly.
Nonetheless, I went to sleep that night satisfied, the firey passion having died down and replaced with a drowsy exhaustion from the night's activities.
I tried not to think about how illegal it would be. Thats a downer. Rather, I just kept thinking about my hands deep in a corpse like that, a proboscis digging deep down into a brain cavity. A razor sharp claw digging out all of my insides for me to see right before beheading. Receiving end. Performing end. Mixes of various viscous fluids... pooling ont..floor.....
It was a peaceful rest.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Aaalright, next statement: When I am with people I am bothered by hearing very strange things. "
"Nope! False"
"Okay! Next question:"
The bespeckled man sat across from me, reading off of a clipboard. He had a short brown goatee and a messy head of short hair, a set of stressed wrinkles to either upper cheek. A diploma sat behind him: "Bachelors in Mental Health Counseling" The clock read 9:18am.
The man kept reading off statements like that, and I would response true or false. "I think I would enjoy the work of a librarian" "Most of the time I wish I were dead" "I often feel as if things are not real" yada yada yada, I know all about this garbage. Its designed to get you to trip up; to admit to something you might not want to.
"Next: I do not always tell the truth"
"False"
It still astounds me how this is treated anything more than a police interrogation. The goal is, and always will be to get the perp to slip up, so they can tag a "danger to themselves and others" to their ass and send em off to some psych prison upstate.
They would really like someone like me to be a lot more honest during therapy. That way they'll have a verbal confession to shove in their files, and they can have their government sanctioned goons move this problem out of sight and out of mind of the general populace. Nah, I'm gonna stick around just a while longer, thank you very much.
Anyway, I thought about how the inside of his brain would look like, at the part still connected to his spine. I think it would look pretty nice if I poked around in it. The clock read 9:56am.
"Alright then, that is all the time we have for today. You can talk with the front desk outside to schedule our next session."
"Sounds good Doc! See ya then~"
I stood up, walked straight through the office, past the front desk, and through the front doors.
"Waste a fuckin time..." I mumbled to myself, fumbling through my purse pockets for a pack of blue am spirits. I think I played it pretty well, but like I said: its designed to get you to slip up. Atleast I bought myself another week or so. They can't do anything unless they have a solid case file against you, and that was start and finish for me, all in one hour. Hopefully.
I grinned as I slipped the smoke into my mouth, fishing through for a lighter.
...
"Damn..."
Of course. I'm always forgetting something...
My grin turned to a scowl, patting down every inch of my purse, and every pocket I had trying to find my-
"Need some help?"
A voice to my left surprised me. Turning, I saw a woman, sleepy eyed and limply holding out a lighter to me. I must have really been making a scene, huh...
"Uh, ya. thanks"
I took the lighter from her hands, lit the smoke, and gave it back. Gingerly, she took it from my hands, fingers like tiny porcelain spiderlegs. Soundlessly pouncing and enwrapping a prey of lighter.
It was then that I noticed just how pale the woman was. Ghostly so. Her sleep laden eyes hung like two heavy half orbs on her face, rivers of wavy black hair to either side. She wore a long, brown trenchcoat, with fur lined boots. She was pretty. Beyond any shadow of a doubt.
We stood there for a while, me sometimes stealing glances over at her as she chuffed away. She carried herself very diligently, maturely. Back ramrod straight and well disciplined. I could tell that she was noticably older than me just by the way she stood, but she was still young. A difference of someone in their 30's standing next to a college grad, if I were to paint a picture. She looked really good, though. really, really pretty. Aspirationally, almost.
"So, what they get ya with?"
"??? H-huh?" I stammered out, not expecting anything except stillful silence.
"Pfff, the psychs. you walked outta that building just now, right?"
"Or are you a doc..."
I looked down at my denim skirt and frilled white blouse, underneath my short tan jacket. Well, if looks could talk...
"I-I ain't no doc!! Jeez look who's talking, if anyones the psych here its you! Standing all dignified like that!"
"Dignified? Well you're awfully forward, aren't you..."
I blushed deeply. What was with this woman??
"So: not a psych. And has stared at me long enough to form identifiers. Gotchya"
I couldn't even stammer. I just stood there, red cheeks glowing in the March frost.
"I pin you down for some boo hoo garden variety social anxiety, then?"
"W-what?? Hell no! I'm not socially anxious! I can talk to people just fine..."
"I see, so this is just with me, huh"
Did she get off on this or something?? Well, I am hardly one to talk when it comes to that kind of behavior...
"I... nah. They ain't got nothin on me"
"Although I bet they'd like to"
Her lips curled into a faint smile.
"mmhmm, I see"
"so why are you here at all?"
"Because! My family said if I don't 'seek help' then they were gonna kick me out!" I tried not to snap at her, but it was difficult, given the subject. I really hated that they put so much faith in this, like it was going to magically cure me. As if I needed a cure at all. As if I wanted some labcoat privy to my most intimate desires.
"I can't work... don't have any money. So, here I am. Just trying to bide my time..."
"dodgin landmines..."
"mm" She said.
"landmines?"
"well, ya." I said.
"I... I know how this works. How they try to trip you up, admit to stuff you don't want to make privy. But I'll tell you one thing, they ain't gonna pin any of it on me, no ma'a-"
I stopped myself. Maybe I shouldn't be such a motormouth with this type of stuff... You never really can tell with people, whos a snitch and who isn't. Who's bought into the garbage and who hasn't. She looked me up and down, observedly.
"Mmm. Well, I wish I had your sense when I was your age..." I was taken aback a little bit. But, this was atleast the assurance I needed.
"A-ah... Is that so?"
"mmhmm."
"So... so you used to have to go here?"
"ooooh ya."
"..."
"got done in?"
"..."
"ya..."
She took a long, lonely drag, and exhaled.
"I'm... I'm sorry to hear that." I said, apologetically. And I did mean it. I don't have much sympathy for folk most of the time, but to hear that someone got done in by the psychs...
I read about what goes on in those prisons of theirs. Its nothing pretty.
"hmm. Ya..." She said, without much life behind it. The way she was standing, the way she looked, her figure, her voice, you could be mistaken to think she really was a ghost.
"well... what are you doing back hFUCK"
She flinched like a bunny at my outburst, those half orbs of hers rocketing into wide saucers. I had held on to the smoke for so long, that it went and flared into my fingers.
"ow ow ow OWWWWW SHIIIT"
I held my seared left hand, pressing on the burn, grimmacing all the way.
"pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA"
Through the annoying pain, I heard an equally annoying shrill cackle. Her ghostly, emotionless face gave way to a raucous laughter at my expense, her hand leaning against the wall for support.
"AAAHHAA, OH MY FREAKIN GOSSSSHHH"
"y-ya ya laugh it up huh!!"
I continued to hold my poor fingers. Eventually, she was able to regain herself.
"aahhaah.... alright miss ditzy, lets continue this in my car, its cold as heck out here."
"grr.... sure..."
I wasn't ditzy... Just... She's really pretty, is all.
We walked back to her car, a completely standard affair sedan. It could have been any model, about as identical as any other car in the pavement ocean of America. I got in through the passenger side, and she started up the engine. The warm air from the vents immediately made my fingers feel better. Atleast they were just burned instead of frozen.
Without warning, she took my left hand into her own, my eyes going wide with the sudden contact.
"..."
"pffff, gosh you are such a baby!"
She gave me my hand back, as she continued.
"you'll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine."
"With the way you were hoppin I thought it was a heck of a lot worse"
"and yet you still laughed?"
"hah... ya..."
Not even hiding it. I could respect honestly like that, truth be told.
"So... as I was saying..." I began.
"What are you doing back here?"
"You seem well off... car, nice clothes."
"Well you have nice clothes too" she responded.
"th-these are cosplay clothes! They're all plastic, I got them for like ten bucks on alibaba..."
"Really? Hmm, coulda fooled me"
"mm..."
"........so, what, are they making you follow up?" I continued.
She looked out of the window, back at the building we had both spent time in. In different eras, leading to different results. She stared at it for a while, before speaking again.
"no... nothing like that."
"I... I dunno"
"This was the place where they did me in..." Her tone was somber. Very, very gentle. As if it was tiptoeing on the very air between us.
"This was kinda the turning point..."
"Where it all changed forever."
"And never went back."
"its interesting. How that can happen to a human. You know?"
Each sentence came out more breathless and still than the last. There was life in her when she was laughing at me. There wasn't any life in her now.
"Its where they sent me away, and forced me to come back, every week..."
I looked down at my feet.
"Kendra'd?" I asked, as breathlessly as she.
"...ya. Kendra'd..."
Unfortunately, we were both familiar with the laws. You have to, or else you learn the hard way. Like this...
"I... I haven't had to come back for years. But for some reason, as of a few months ago, I started again."
"Just to look at it, for a few minutes, maybe an hour."
"I guess I come back to this place, to look at where I died."
"..."
"so, you really are a ghost."
"mm. Ya. That fits."
We sat there for a while, the dry heat from the vents continuing to blow. The engine continuing to idle on.
"hey" I finally said, breaking the silence.
"hmm?"
"whats your name?"
"..."
"Ruby..."
"Ruby." I repeated.
"Well, I'm Briar."
"And... its nice to meet you Ruby."
She looked up at me, with a sad little smile on her face. Face pale as ever.
"Is it?"
I didn't know what kind of answer to give. She had a point. Was it? I still don't know who this person is. And theres no telling what kind of tangle I've gotten myself into by speaking with her. By following her to her car...
...
I guess if she wanted to kill me right now, that would simplify a lot of things in my life. Maybe I'd be able to see fresh organs before I go. I always wanted that. Maybe she can tear something out of me and show it to me. I would definitely want to see the inside of my left hand. What kind of strings are crawling around there, never seeing the light of d-
"what are you thinking about, Briar?"
"Oh, just about how if you wanted to kill me, I'd want you to tear out the muscle in my left arm and show me all the nerves and sinew"
"Or maybe you could stab me in the stomach and drag out all my organs, and make sure I got a good look before I bled to dea-"
"..."
"..."
Oh. Oh God. What did I just.
...
She stared at me, still processing what I just said. Confuddled sleepless eyes over an agape mouth, on a plate of flawless porcelain, topped with a powdered nose. I knew I should have got more sleep last night. I flubbed up. I flubbed up big time. Now I... I should really just bolt out of the car, right now, and never look back. But even though the temperature was dry and hot, I was frozen right to my core. Icy cold bubbles erupting all throughout my corpus.
"hehe" she let out a giggle.
"you're cute~!"
"..."
...cute? She thinks I'm cute???
"C'mon now, lets go somewhere~" A life returned to her words with that sentence, as she shifted the car out of park and into drive.
"wh-where are we going!!" I stammered, not quite sure what just happened. Cute??
"To a park! I always went there after having to go here. Its a nice place! We can go for a walk~"
My visceraphilic slipup apparently did nothing but give her the breath of life. She sped off onto the road, and before long we were on the highway South.
"A...a park?"
"yep! It.. well, you gotta see it to believe it. Its pretty quiet, lots of trees, and usually theres not a lot of people there during this time of year."
"trust me, I won't murder you in the woods or anything" She grinned as she continued her drive.
"then again, something tells me you'd be just fine with that~"
I sat silent. Not denying, or confirming anything. She stole a glance, and I knew she knew it too. This was getting to be too much. Red erupted on my cheeks yet again. She was absolutely doing this on purpose... I was sure of it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The drive continued with me too embarassed to move, and her too satisfied with herself to speak. We passed by several smallish towns, past the still grey trees with their fledgling canopies, still not ready to blossom. It would come with time, as it did every year.
Eventually, we turned down a more isolated street, along some houses, past a firehouse on the right, before pulling into a small parking lot.
"I... thought you said this place was empty?" I finally said.
"hah, hello, dummy? We have a little ways to walk still~!" She stepped out of the car, and I followed in stride. The air was a transparent chilly wall, but it had since softened from the frigid embrace it gave this morning. The infrequent beams of light that shown through the overcast must have heated things up a bit, and it was just bearable enough to where it could be pleasant.
She led the way down a path, which serpeantined down below through a canopy of dead branches. The air here felt cleaner. Whenever the air is cold and dead like this, it always feels cleaner; free of any contaminants. And it was doubly true here.
We strolled together for a while, both content in eachother's silent presence. Eventually, the sky opened up to reveal a grand mountain towering above us. It almost felt unreal, how big it was.
"How tall do you think that cliff is?" Ruby asked me. Her voice cracking through the deafening silence of the still air.
"Oh, um, like, a hundred feet?" I guessed. I honestly hadn't a clue. I had never seen something this big before. I didn't even know it was in the area...
"Try 689." She said, looking up at it with me.
"wow.... exact number?"
"exactly~"
"...I see." I was stalling for conversation a little bit.
"Its. very pretty."
"It is, isn't it?"
We both continued to stare up at it. I wasn't bored at all, it was a grand sight. And sharing it with someone else was honestly quite nice. After a bit, she began again.
"I used to come here, after every session at that place, and stare up at that great big cliff."
"Did you know, that universally, a fall from 60 feet is almost garanteed to kill you?"
"Is that so?"
"yep."
"I used to think, all the time. That if I threw myself off that cliff, at 689. Why, there would be nothing left, would there?"
"I would be a stain on the Earth. Nothing more"
I tried to imagine it. At a fall like that, you would ostensibly just explode. Pieces of her would go everywhere. As for the torso and the organs, with how much water is in them, I wouldn't be surprised if she really was right, and that only a stain would remain. Like throwing a water balloon full of red paint. But surely, the ribcage ought to stay together, right? Thinking about it like this, I really wish I could find videos online of something like it happening. I made a note for myself to try and find what I could when I got back to the house.
"There might be a little bit of you left. Though most of you would explode and rocket off in different directions, if those bits werent flayed raw too."
"Either way, I'm sure you'd look really pretty like thaaaa....-"
"..."
She turned and flashed a smug smile to me. As if expecting me to say something like that.
"Alright, keep it in your pants missy" she teased, as she made a direction for further down the path. Silently grumbling, my cheeks cutting a crimson into the dim scenery, I followed suit. Does she really have me all figured out, so quick? Well.. I was hardly making it difficult.
We continued through the trees, until we were on a path along the river. The waves came gently crashing against the rocks and course sands, wayward trunks long dried and waterlogged sat motionless on the small areas of beach. Dessicated, bare, and still.
"So..." I began, this time.
"Back at the clinic. You said you died there, right?"
"Thats right."
"Well... I'm curious how that happened."
"Is that so? Well..." Her gaze fell from straight forward to angled down. As if she was contemplating something.
"Well... I think you should know. Let it serve as a cautionary story, for yourself."
"As long as you want to tell, I'm listening." I reassured her. I would be lying if I said my reasons were entirely selfless: If I knew exactly how she died in that place, then maybe I could avoid the same fate. But even then, I still wanted to know how it happened.
"Its quite simple, really." she began.
"It was a session like any other. And I shared a bit too much than I should have. They "suggested" that I visit one of their facilities, but little did I know the option was never there. They had already decided for me."
"My family was more than okay with it, they just wanted me out of their sight. To stop causing problems."
"In there....." She stopped. Stopped in her voice, stopped in her tracks. She wasn't a ghost now, she was frozen stiff. Like a statue. Whatever playful teasing or glee she was having with me was all lost. There was nothing left. All hollow. Her lingering on that memory was driving out any and everything else in her.
"hey... hey" I said, doing my best to reassure her. "You don't have to tell me everything. Especially not that." Even I wasn't sadistic enough to want her to unearth whatever fresh hell happened in a place like that. She was still silent, still unmoving. But after a minute or so, we began again. And so did she.
"Anyway... when I came back. I did everything everyone told me to do. I took their medicine, I went to their doctors. I did everything I was supposed to do. I went to university, I got a job, I work, I support myself."
"my parents died knowing their little girl was fixed."
"And now, 16 years have gone by."
"I work. I eat. I sleep."
"I work. I eat. I sleep."
"I do everything as it was told that I need do it."
She took a deep breath, exhaling just as slow.
"and everything that was 'me' was purged out. Buried."
"I died when I was 16."
Our footsteps echoed endlessly against the path pavement. One after the other. Mindlessly repeating the last. Overlapping clouds of grey slowly and formlessly ebbed above us.
"So... whats changed now?" I asked.
"I'm 32, Briar. And its taken a long time, but I think I've finally realized just how much I've lost the plot."
"How much... there never was any plot, at all."
"I quit my job a few months ago, and have been just drifting around ever since."
"There was no life with it, and now theres still no life without it."
"The more I go, the more I realize its already been dead and buried for years."
"So now, I guess I'm just kinda waiting for the inevitable."
"I'm a dead woman walking."
We just kept walking, one step after the other. I wouldn't object, and I wouldn't ask her to stop. This was all information I needed to hear, anyway. Information I wanted to hear.
"How old were you again, Briar?"
"Um... I'm 24." She turned on her heels, facing me. Leaning her face into mine, before cocking her head.
"really? and you just started getting roped into all of this?"
"I... well... ya"
"hmm." She hummed, in a content way. We continued.
"I Guess that means you are one of the lucky ones, to have dodged it for so long. You have a head about you, enough that you didn't get wrapped up like I did."
"mmm.. If I had my wits, I would have thrown myself off of that cliff way before any of this started."
"would have atleast been a fuller life, by ratio. 16 years alive, instead of 16 alive and 16 consciously dead."
I chuckled at the idea. For how someone could think that I, of all people, have been lucky. Or that I even have a head worthy of aspiration.
Head... I thought about that clip again. flesh tearing. smiles. Alright, back to the world.
"pff. Not for long Ruby. Once my family realizes I've been dodging these stupid sessions, I'll be out on my ass."
"I can't work. I tried, it just always ends in disaster. Thats why I'm being forced to go to there in the first place."
"One day... if this keeps up. I know I'll slip up."
It was my turn for my tone to turn solemn.
"I'm... Not very hardy. Or strong"
"I need a lot of ready access to a lot of amenities, just to keep me going day to day."
"And they know that..."
"so If I'm faced with losing those functions..."
"Well, then I'll end up just like you."
Ruby listened quietly, matching my steps as we went.
"still, you get to keep living for one more week then, don't you?"
"..."
"...ya. I guess I do..."
"So, enjoy it."
"I never got to enjoy my last week alive..."
"atleast you know how much time you have left."
Hopefully, my silence conveyed my approval. At this point, everything I suspected was indeed true. She had died, living a no life life. And by the time she realized it, it was already too late. Atleast I haven't had to be forced to keep going, yet, like she has. A walking zombie, whatever sense of person or goals or preferences long having been erased, never to return. What right did I have, to tell this person that no, she should go on living? Why, just for the sake of being alive? Thats the mentality of cancer. To exist for the reason of existing.
Eventually, the path came to an end. We turned, and started walking back from where we came. The scenery was unchanging, still the static grey and white that was here before we arrived, and would still be here after we left.
"So..." I said outloud, almost a whisper, dissapearing into the air as quickly as it arrived.
"What are you gonna do now?"
Ruby looked at me, forlornely. Then, up, and to our left. Towards our great big protector, that which in these moments, seperated us from the rest of the world.
"I don't know."
"..."
"The Mountain seems nice."
"..."
A few moments after she said that, I felt something cold, spindly, and fragile wrap itself around my left hand. Up and around my palms, through the openings between my fingers. Before finally clasping.
I didn't resist. I wanted it there.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We returned to that mountain, day after day. Sometimes, we talked, but sometimes we didn't. It became routine. She would come by and pick me up, we'd take the route there. And then we would just be in eachother's presence, sometimes in eachother's hands, walking that path we first walked. After the second, we ended up spending entire days with eachother.
You know, I showed her it. A lot of it, as a matter of fact. Videos and photos. I brought my laptop over to her apartment, one day.
"And then.. it gets... to this part" *click*
"ahaa! ewwwww! that thing ripped his head right off!!"
"ya.... it did"
"and, this is what does it for you?"
"..."
"ya...."
She didn't really get it, although I didn't expect her too. Still, she didn't make a scene, she didn't even make me feel embarassed, or scared, or ashamed. She gave me a hug and a smile, and ruffled my hair. That day went by like that, me showing her some of my favorite paintings and photos, before we got tired and went to sleep. Nothing scares a ghost, I guess.
We walked the river path together, every day, for the next week. She continued walking like a specter beside me. Sometimes showing whisps of life, but only in reflection of myself. Rousing from her gentle stillness to tease and prod, like a poltergeist amusing themselves at the expense of houseguests. Still, I wanted her beside me. There was no telling what day would finally be the one where she threw herself off that mountain, and ended her charade of life. There was no telling when my ticket would be called, and I would die just like she did. So there we were, two girls on borrowed time. And so I would walk with her, until that day came.
It was on the 7th day after our first speaking. I had made up some excuse to the family about the appointment being delayed or cancelled or the doctor being stuck in the Rockies, which was met angrily, but eventually bought. In stead of any of that, I continued to follow Ruby's heed. And enjoyed whatever days I had left, before what happens happens.
"So you bought yourself some more time? Clever girl~" She rang out, the small beach outcropping a hundred or so meters in front of us. Our 7th time viewing it come up on the horizon. Our hands clasped firmly together. The warmth of my mine being lost in her long dead digits. Saturday, March 20th.
"For now, ya..." I let out with a sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her turn her head, eyeing me up and down. Until she smiled slightly, leaning her head on my shoulders as we walked. I detached my hand from hers, and put it around her shoulder, keeping her close.
"You're so warm, Briar."
Her temperature matched the still frigid mid march air. Brought down even more by the winds coming off the river. I welcomed it. And so we marched along.
"Hey, lets stop by here!" She said suddenly, passing in front of the outcrop.
"What, here?"
"Ya! We always pass by it, but we never take the time to poke around."
"Fair enough. Lead the way"
And with that, we steered our course towards the small, rocky beach that jutted out to the left of the path. The sand was course, and grey, only popping up in isolated clumps. Where the stones parted left only slimey sediment, as the brackish waters ebbed and flowed, in and out. There was a slab of concrete nearby, underneath a few long salt sprayed trees. We made our way to it, and sat down, facing the river.
Now stationary, and with her head still firmly in the crook of my neck, I leaned my head towards hers. We watched the icy waters pass by, saline carried on the wind. It was approaching dusk as we sat there, and the temperature matched accordingly, dipping colder and colder as the minutes went by. The sun, hidden by a fog of unmoving grey, didn't so much set, more the sky just turned a deeper and deeper blue. The sun couldn't really set if it was never there to begin with.
Still, there was some beauty in it. Lack of color of vigour notwithstanding. Sometimes you don't need all that other stuff getting in the way, its captivating all on its own.
I looked to my left. Even in the oncoming dark, her face still shone, bright white like a neutron star. Small in the ocean of now indiscernable shapes and lines. But bright, bright like a mask.
Her eyes met mine. Slowly, her neck turned, the creases in her muscles retracted and stretched, as she turned to face me fully. Tired, lifeless eyes stared into mine. Below her nose was a flat crease in an arctic tundra. I wondered what she saw in me.
The crease curved. A slight smile. Her head began leaning forward. So did mine. Glacially we moved, slowly nearing one another. Her body turned entirely to face me. Our eyes still locked, until like synchronism, they closed. I could feel the whisp of her breath, and then her lips on mine.
Fragile. Fragile and soft, as if putting any more pressure would shatter them entire. As if they would dissipate like a cloud. I could feel her fingers on my neck, as we sat there, in a gentle kiss.
...
And yet... when we detached, and stared into eachother's eyes yet again, what did she see in me? In that moment, she saw the pain in my heart that my eyes gave away. I put my forehead against hers. Distraught.
She looked at me, and glanced to the side. "Its not enough, is it?"
I burst into tears. Heavy, hot sobs came down in sheets of rain between us. She was right. It wasn't enough.
"shshh... Its okay... Its okay" Ruby gently cooed, putting her arms around me as I hung there, limp and defeated. I lost myself in her embrace. It was like the air itself had sprung tangible, and wrapped itself around me. The heat of my body dissipated, as Ruby's gentle, empty cold slowly crept in. But it still wasnt enough. No matter how dead she felt, the fact is her body was still alive. Her heart still beat. Her flesh still inside her skin, never to be in the palm of my hands. And because of that, I would always be seperate from her. I could hardly bear the thought.
I wanted to be dead already. I wanted to be dead just like her.
"I'm.... I'm such a fucking freak, Ruby" I choked out, in between wails.
"Just a fucking... fucked up mistake..."
"You... I...."
"Why... Why can't I......"
"its okay... its okay" she continued, her hand craddling the back of my head as I sobbed into her. This was the worst, worst possible outcome. I thought it would be different... I thought that...
It doesn't matter. None of it does. Whats done is done, and whats proven is true.
"You poor thing... Its okay... I promise. I, expected, something like this... might happen" she said, as she continued to encompass me entirely.
"I'm sorry Ruby, I'm sorry... I'm sorry" I kept repeating.
"You have nothing to be sorry for" She said.
"I... I love you... why can't I..."
"I Love you too, Briar."
But it wasn't enough. I wanted to love her more. In a way that was impossible. We sat like that, the night enveloping us just as she enveloped me. I cried until I had nothing left in me. She made no movement to hurry me, or remind me of how much time had passed. She only continued to embrace me, continued to softly coo reassurances. To tell me that she loves me. For hours, for days, for minutes, we sat there. What good is love, if it can only go this far? I cried again. I just wanted to feel her. But I never could.
Eventually, we got up. We walked hand in hand back to her car. Silently, sorrowfully, we went back to my house. We said goodnight. I went to my room. Emotionally exhausted, I threw myself into my bed, hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning.
When I woke up the next morning, I immediately went to check my phone. Nothing.
I laid in my bed for hours. What could I even say to her? Part of me wonders if she had already done herself in. I checked the local news every few minutes to see if any human remains were found at the mountain. Nothing so far.
Nothing.
A whole lot of nothing. Thats all that was in my head. Just stillness. Begging that something, anything would happen. But nothing did. I continued to lay there, flat. Empty.
My phone flashed a light.
Darting to it, I opened it up to see what had done it.
It was from her.
Contact: Ruby
Message: I did something for you.
Received: 18:09, March 21st 2023
I. I didn't know how to respond. I just stared at it. What did she...
Contact: Ruby
Message: You there, Briar?
Received: 18:13, March 21st 2023
"I'm here Ruby, I'm here. What did you do?"
"Its a surprise :)"
"u free?"
"ya. want me to come over?"
"ya."
"Okay, I'll be there soon"
"ok"
"what did you do, Ruby?"
"Love you Briar<3"
"I love you too. Be there soon"
Putting away my phone, I went to the garage and got on my motorbike. It was still too cold to ride, but I didn't care. I had a feeling in my heart, something rising, and I needed to see her no matter what.
As I rode, the bitter wind hit me fiercely. I pressed on, and tried to think about other things. What did she do for me? Is it sex? I was saddened at that thought. She's smart enough, so she should know sex won't solve this. It'll just make everything worse, probably. Then again, people have done stranger things to try and fix a situation like this. Who knows how desperate she is to do so. Who knows how desperate I am...
Does she want to break up with me? No, she said I love you in the last message.
Maybe shes just left a note for me. Maybe shes already at the bottom of the mountain. I pressed on. There was only one way to find out...
After a freezing, uneventful ride, I was at her apartment.
"Okay Ruby, I'm here."
No response.
"Ruby? Are u there?"
This wasn't like her. Climbing the stairwell up, I stood at the closed door. She was waiting for me to go in on my own, wasn't she? Slowly, I opened the door. Unlocked. Walking in. Close it behind me.
"Ruby?"
The room was dark. The blinds were drawn, and all the lights had been turned off. My eyes followed the flickering of a candle. Two candles, lit, on either side of her bed. Thats when I saw her.
She was leaned up on her bed, against the wall. She wore an almost white nightgown, going down past her knees and held by two small strings at her shoulders. Her wrists were in two buckets of water. Her skin ten times paler than it ever had been. There were small splashes on her dress. Red.
I stood there, motionless, looking at her. Her image dancing in the flickers of the firelight. Her head hung limply at her shoulder.
"Ruby..." I barely let out.
Her eyes opened, opened ever so slightly. Meeting mine. With what must have been the last of her strength, her lips curled. A crack in a plate. A smile. Barely there. But there.
And then. Nothing.
Time froze. I couldn't do anything, except just stand there. Stand there in shock. I was expecting that she was going to go soon, but I never expected it like this. In my stupor, I noticed a note, taped to the table, next to a still wet knife. Slowly, as if my very footsteps would shatter this entire scene out of reality, I made my way over, and picked it up.
"Briar.
My time has come. I know now what I must do with this body while I still have it. You are not a freak. You are you and you are beautiful. I want you to live happily, Briar. I want to be with you entirely, even if that means I'm not around when it happens. That is my gift to you.
Theres a chest freezer in the corner. You can put me there when I start to rot. My rent is paid for the next 6 months, so no one will bother you if you would like to stay here. Theres money in the closet drawer for groceries.
I love you, Briar. More than anything and anyone in the entire world. You are the only good thing that has ever happened to me. And I want to be the only good thing that has ever happened to you.
I hope it feels nicer this time
Yours Forever, Ruby<3"
I stood. Staring at it. Then to her. She really wasn't moving. There wasn't any heartbeat. There wasn't any eye movement. No twitches. No breathing. She was dead.
She. Did this for me.
...
I... I didn't want her to die. Even though she already had, years before.
Still...
Shes dead.
Shes dead and she killed herself for me.
Nothing can be done about that.
...
Ruby...
I looked her up and down. The candlelight played so lovingly against her cold, blank skin. Her phone was next to her theigh. I picked it up. It was wet. She must have been texting me, while... Or maybe before...
...
I went over to the door, making sure it was locked. I made my way back to her. She looked almost exactly the same. Only now, any facsimile of life was well and truly out. Even now, she still looked just as beautiful as the first day I saw her.
This is what she did it for. So, I better make sure that she didn't do for nothing.
I lifted her wrists from the buckets, and placed them a ways away, so that they wouldn't spill. Taking off my shoes, I gently, gingerly, joined her on the bed. Her skin was... warm. Surprisingly warm. I took her hand in mine. Rolling around the smooth, glassy digits with my own. I looked up at her face. Still the same expression. Frozen in time.
Oh wow. She even did her makeup for me...
I... Gosh, I'm nervous. I've never kissed a corpse before. I guess its not as different from when she was alive, right?
Okay Ruby... Here I go.
I held her waist in my right arm, and held her head up with my left. She was so limp in my hands, like a doll. She was still so warm...
I lifted my head to hers, and brought our lips together, once more.
In one second, it all became real.
Her lips were warm, soft, so very very real, so very there. I wasn't afraid of putting on pressure this time. I stuck my tongue into her mouth, and found hers. Limp. Maneuverable. My breathing quickened. I grabbed her entirely into my arms, flat on the bed. We continued into a passionate kiss. Both of us. I ran my hands down her entire body. Her waist. Her hands. Her theighs. Holding her head, craddling it just as she cradled mine. I felt the slickness of her wrists. The last, faint, few pulses of blood from her arteries.
"I can finally love you the way I always wanted to, Ruby" I said to her. Deeply to her. Close to her. I continued, deeply ravenous for her. All too quickly, I began to remove her dress.
"I'm sorry Ruby... I can't stop at just kisses..."
I could feel how excited I was getting through my jeans. I removed those too. I removed everything except my underwear, throwing it all into a messy pile on the floor. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. All I cared about was Ruby.
I held her in my arms like that, for a little bit. Just both of our bare bodies, close together. Then, I took the knife off the bedside table, and jammed it into her chest. Right below the right of her ribcage, slicing it open.
It was finally happening. Everything I had dreamt about was all about to unfold. All thanks to her. My Love. I began to slide my fingers into the newly opened crevace. First just one, then a few more, craddling her head and giving passionate kisses in between each one. I explored around, soft, impossibly warm bags of flesh pooled and surrounded each digit, thin layers of yellow fat expanded at the incision point. I pushed in, deeper, and deeper, until my entire hand was inside her chest. I took my free hand, and made another incision. It was my nondominant hand, a clumsy, passionate mark, I sliced right across her abdomen. I could see her organs, open like a present. I buried my face deep, the juices and liquid expulsions and mucus and sinewy lining were on my lips, my cheeks, my chin. It was sensory overload. my left hand was still firmly gripping the inside of her chest, my face was drowning in warm intimate fluids. I couldn't help myself anymore. I took a wide wild bite of something, and pulled it out by my teeth.
Whatever was interconnected followed, spilling out of her and onto the bed. Various fluids of all shades of red spilled out with it. I took a moment to stand over her, taking in the entire scene.
"You... You are so, so beautiful, Ruby" I told her. "If only you could know just how pretty you are. If only I could show you too, so you could see"
A wild heat was building from my crotch. Wet. And not only with blood. I tossed off my underwear, they had seen enough. I didn't want even a little bit of seperation between me and Ruby. I was so close to feeling every last piece of her.
I took up the knife yet again, and made wider incisions. I cut down the middle of her chest, and opened up her ribcage to the world. Both parts. This was perfect. Now I could fit my entire arm inside her.
I glanced up to her face. It was splattered with blood and other fluids, and was jostled around so much that it resulted in a simple neutral expression. Her half moon eyes still as lifeless as the day I met her.
Slowly, I began again.
I took my left arm, and slid it through and past her right lung. Some maneuvering later, and I could finally feel it. Her spinal column.
"Ruby... I can hold you now...closely" I said to her, finding a good grip. I could feel my crotch throbbing beyond control. I got in close. My hand on her spine, my breast against her exposed ribcage, every ridge was a shockwave against my bare chest. I started to move my body, rubbing myself against her theigh. wrapping her up like a constrictor. I tried to grip her spine the best I could, but I was slipping with each pass. And the sharp grooves cut into my fingers. I could feel the deep gashes in my hands, as they moved up and down the sharp protrustions of bone, cutting deeper every time. My blood was in her. And hers was within me.
"oh Ruby.. O Ruby" I moaned out, my arms digging deep around inside of her.
Carelessly, feircely I darted for the knife and swung wildly at her theigh. I didn't even care if I cut into myself, I slashed at the flesh until enough of it was hanging out to satisfy my lowers. It surrounded me, her warmness encompassing every bare, fragile portion of me. I grinded against her exposed flesh feverishly, my chest coated in the impossible warmness of her viscera. I hung on to her spine as I violently rocked back and forth. I was close. Our love become wet and sloppy all over, as more of her leaked out. Her organs formed a soft barrier that absorbed my blows, squelching and spreading out a little bit more with every movement. I tore my right arm away from her head, and dove it deep into her lower abdomen. I held on to her pelvic bone, as I continued to mindlessly thrust and grind myself all over her. My wrist and hand cut to ribbons on her spine. I grabbed at her organs and spread them all over her, coating her entirely. Embracing her, diving into her. Immersing myself entirely in her. The smooth, sticky menegerie of fluids covered us both. It connected us in a way only this moment could. My movement frantic and purely of instinct. I clawed my hand through the skin of her back, slick with my blood and hers, grabbing the back of her head and deeply lovingly kissing her until-
release.
I melted. Collapsed from exhaustion. Down onto the bed, with her. Down like a great oak, landing in a splat of viscera. Both of us unmoving. Only one of us breathing. I found her hand, and held it close. We laid there for a few minutes. Me panting slower and slower, her laying motionless: Still. Love was painted on the bed, on eachother's skin. Inside every internal organ and in between every slab of flesh. I raised my left hand. A cutting board of lacerations went from my elbow up to the tips of my fingers. My entire arm pulsed with every heartbeat, I was only now beginning to feel how it stung.
"hehe, look what you did now~" I said, as I showed her blank expression my arm. A few drops of blood began to fall on her. One fell in between her lips, into her mouth.
"Not that I'm complaining..." I told her. Looking around before finally spotting a blanket on the floor, I snuggled up next to her and drew the covers on us. Putting my leg over hers, I nestled my left arm within the safety of her torso. My right arm was placed right under her neck, as I laid on my side. I lowered her head onto one of the pillows, and mine followed in tandem, as I craddled her silently. Goodnight, Ruby. I love you forever.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The months spilled by one after the other in that flat. After a while, I actually ended up getting a job. And I kept it steadily. I had a reason for it, afterall. Me, Ruby, and all her belongings and furniture were out the door weeks before her rent ran out. I had found a little place not too far away, and moved us there instead. With the money from the job, and no real expenses except rent to pay, I was able to buy a parcel of land relatively quickly. And I moved Ruby from the freezer to a nice little plot, planting a small wild garden above her. Some Barbedbristle Bulrush, a few Sandplain Gerardias. And I'd visit her, as frequently as I could.
I went along the years content, knowing that the outside world and all that was in it, was not real. Anything that happened in it was just fake through and through, so I shouldn't let it bother me too much. But what me and Ruby shared. That was real. And I lived to hold on to that memory, for as long as I could.
I'm 32, now. In a way, I've become dead in this world as much as Ruby was. I even quit my job not too long ago, like she did. And not much has changed.
The last thing I did on this Earth was love Ruby. And thats okay. I'm sure she wouldn't want to watch me crawl along like she did for so many years. Its okay Ruby, I'm listening. I know seeing me so dead must be saddening for her. But you were right: you were the only good thing that ever happened to me. And I'm not greedy, I won't want. I'll be eternally thankful for it, for you giving something no one else could.
I visit her grave a lot now, and talk to her. I smile, knowing that one day soon I'll be ready. And I'll join her again.
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